The One With The Porch

Some Musings…..

Early in the morning is when I prefer to go on my runs. I live in a part of the city where there are quiet streets with beautiful old homes, many of them historic. Some of them are large homes, with large trees and wide landscaping with beautiful flowers and shrubs. But the ones I love are on the smaller streets, the ones with the porches and hanging plants.

We had a house once – no big trees, but with a porch big enough to put two chairs out there to sit in the evening. Sometimes I find myself looking at old photos of it, wishing for those days in the summer when I could read a book or enjoy my coffee in the morning before work.

I am in an apartment now, with large front windows, but no balcony. Like many, the dream of home ownership slips away more and more as we look around us. That dream was once a symbol of having “made it,” right? That this is finally ours dream.

When something happens and shifts that direction in your journey, it can sting. Especially when you look back at it years later. The what ifs take shape… what if we had just done this, or noticed this, or maybe just stayed in Toronto. I’m not going to lie… it sucks not having the dual income, or the big career that you once thought could enable the nice house on that nice street with that nice porch.

Many times while I am running, I get lost in those maybes. I think as caregivers to someone else we all get those moments brought on by that one symbol of the what ifs.. For me.. it’s the porch.

And I have to say.. it’s okay to say things like this out loud. For the longest time, I didn’t want to sound like I was ungrateful. I didn’t want to sound like I was a debbie downer or I didn’t want people to see me sad. But sometimes… it’s okay to say that it sucks that you missed out on something. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry about those lost dreams. Today it’s the dream of a porch.

Anyways… just some musings for a rainy Wednesday.