Listening to Validate

In my recent support group we talked about communication and the dos and don’ts of communicating with our loved one when they are not doing well.

Of course the ones important to note are: not raising our voices, avoid the silent treatment and don’t act out of defensiveness. Trying to reason, correct or convince your loved one that they are not being rational… all made the list.

Understanding that when our loved one is in a state of distress they are already struggling to process what is happening, and when we react out of anger or with heightened emotions, an intense situation only grows worse.

Turning to the TO DO list, validation stood out to me the most. Often times that just means listening and then validating what they say and how they feel. Many times I admit that I dismissed things my husband said about how he felt, because I assumed it was the illness, or I was frustrated and didn’t want to listen anymore.

It’s not easy to be an active listener. Many of us listen to respond, rather than listen to really understand. We sit on the edge waiting for a break to butt in, to offer our own thoughts, or correct someone.

Listening to someone, responding to their concerns and their thoughts validates someone. So many times people who struggle with mental illness face the stigma of not being taken seriously. People can be dismissive, they can write off our loved ones concerns because they figure they are “crazy”.

Even those in the medical field fail to listen to patients because they are busy and overworked. I know the frustration my husband has felt when even his own doctor and social worker have waved off his concerns, even telling him to just “accept it”. He just wants them to listen, to validate how he is feeling.

And remember that you, as a caregiver, are only human, and when things go beyond a scope that you can handle, you need to seek out help, like COAST, or another crisis centre, or a family member. Many times when I realized that I would be unable to provide the support my husband needed I called in experts, like COAST.

Some extra resources:

• How to support someone with a mental health problem | Mental Health Foundation
• Communicating with a Loved One Who Has a Mental Illness
• 10 Ways to Support Your Loved One Through Psychosis

referenced from the Support Group: Family Grace from Mental Health Grace Alliance