Finding Hope After Denial

Denial is the best word to use to describe the beginning of this journey. In 2011 we had just moved to our own house. We were celebrating the move to home ownership – it was a modest house and had a lot of potential. At the time I was still commuting to Toronto for work, but I had hopes that this would change that next year.

When things started to shift I tried to find explanations in everything that happened. At first it was his heart issues, and after fixing those… it was the isolation… then it was the winter… and on and on..

At one point we were referred to a psychiatrist at St. Joes who emphasized his concern for Mike’s mental health and what might happen – in fact, he strongly encouraged me to watch carefully and not hesitate to reach out for help. I was confused because he was describing a man I didn’t see… or wasn’t willing to admit I saw. When we walked down the hallway to the elevator after that meeting, we laughed – he made you out to be some crazy person! Hahaha… he was the crazy one!

I can now look back at that conversation and can’t understand how I didn’t see it… but who wants to see it? Living in denial is easier than facing the fear of your entire life upending. Maybe I saw it – I saw the changes and I felt that small tug of fear when I left each morning, but I shrugged it off as a passing phase – what they said about him was a mistake.

I’m not condemning my former self either, for not seeing it. I was already overworked, tired from a long commute each day, isolated from friends being that we moved away from our social circle, taking care of a house… Denial was self protecting, it was getting me to work and through the day. I could turn things off after I left that door and go throughout my day, pretending that everything was fine back home.

We are often critical of ourselves for not seeing what was in front of us, or for ignoring it. If only I had paid closer attention – if only I had admitted that something was wrong back then… things wouldn’t have gotten as bad as they did.

I think this is where we need to practice some self compassion. The best advice I can give, if you find yourself admitting to denial of the reality of your situation – reach out. Talk to someone, join a support group – because I can assure you that you are not alone in this and that your situation is not unique. There are so many of us out there who need to hear that we aren’t alone. It’s scary to go through this alone and denial won’t make it go away.